ケイ、
元気？ 今週と来週は、忙しいアナタの返事を待たずにアタシの独りビッチとなります｡もうこの「世界をビッチする」連載も終わりだよ｡さて、アナタはじゅうぶん「ビッチ」しつくしたでしょうか？ 「ビッチ」することで、余計に気分が悪くなったとか？ それとも、もう毎日ビッチの勢いが止まらない？
「ビッチ」するということは、ブツブツ、ガミガミ文句を垂れること｡それもけっこう意地悪な感じでね｡多くの人間が、他人から良い人・ステキな人だって思われたい、好かれたいと願う中で、アル中でもなく素面で文句を垂れられる事は、ある意味勇敢な行動である｡何の生産性もなく道徳的でもない行為、下手すれば毒にまみれて自家中毒気味にさえなるのに、よくぞ持ち応えたわ、これぞビッチ・ザ・ビッチ!
アタシはこの「ビッチ」のエッセイで、自分が想像以上に勇ましいことを知りました｡他人に何を言われようと、嫌われようと、また友人に去られようと、傷つかなくなったからだ−いいよ、アタシはこんなもんよ｡ぜんぜん平気さ｡なんという自己肯定感なんでしょう｡
今まで個人名を挙げて中傷したのは、記憶にある限りでは、前の会社のオヤジたち、ブッシュ、小泉首相、石原都知事、そして辻仁成だけ、だと思うけど、聞いた話によると「オレ・アタシのことだ」と思った人はそれ以上にいるらしい｡それは自意識過剰の病です｡ほんと、他人は自分のこと、それほど考えていないって｡
自意識の病、とまで言わないけれど、とても自分の事、つまり他人からの評価をとても気にする人が驚くほど多いのは事実だよね｡この前、ヨーガ教室のクラス・メートと帰り道話をしながら歩いた｡彼女は今年40歳になったくらいだと思うけど、とても若々しく美人｡小柄だけれど、背筋がピンとしていてとても美しい｡素顔にうっすら塗った口紅｡秋空に映える緑のセーター｡アタシは彼女の姿を惚れ惚れとして見ていた｡でね、その人アタシに何って言ったと思う？「最近、顔が歪んできたの｡顎がおかしいと思うの」−彼女の顔が歪んでいるなら、アタシの顔は何だろうか？こんな顔して生きているアタシに何言っちゃているんだろうか、この美女は？とアタシはどう返答していいのかしばらくわからなかった｡もともと美しい人だから、アタシの目には見えない歪みを気にするのだろうか？
この美人は、べつに歪んだ顔のアタシに慰めて欲しいわけではなかった｡「アタシの顎は歪んでいる｡その事実を解ってくれ、それで困っているのだ、おお〜!」というだけだったのだ｡それは「ビッチする」行為とは違うものだけれど、こういう自分の容姿や性格に不満を持つ人たち、特に３０代半ば〜４０代のオンナたちに、アタシは最近よく出会う｡どうしてだろう、あんなにキレイなのに？あの人が悩むのなら、ほとんどの世の中のオンナは（自分ももちろん含めて）その鏡に映った容姿に卒倒し苦しまなければならない｡その美人は、顔が歪んだ、足が浮腫んで太いという不満はあるものの、だからと言って、高いブランド化粧品を買うわけでも、エステサロンに行くという、資本主義万歳!な人でもない｡とにかく「今の自分が気に入らない」と言うのだった!
それは外見的な問題だけじゃなかったのよね｡美人は言う−「仕事もなんかぁ〜、つまらないし」（そりゃ、そうでしょオヤジの世界だから）、「年齢的に肌も弛んできちゃうし」（私たちは重力の中に生きているので避けられないでしょ）、「自分にイライラしてきちゃう」（イライラと自分を奮い立たせている状態が好きなんだと思う｡）結局アタシは、ただ聞いてあげればよかった｡美しいオンナを見るのがとても好きなアタシは、彼女の話に驚きつつも、「うん、うん」好意的だったはず｡
後で、美しさの魔力から覚めたアタシは独り思った−だから、オンナはなめられる｡悲しいけど、特にキレイなオンナという人は、美しいために、立っているだけで華となり、相手は、話の内容なんてどうでもよくなるのではないか？アタシが男だったらもっとヒドイ態度だったかも｡その美人はね、怖いくらい美しさに執着していて、しかも本気｡でも美人なのに高飛車な感じもなくて、今の自分がほんとダメな奴だと思っているようだった｡ダメって何がよ？いつの自分ならOKなのよ？若い頃か？アタシは彼女を好きだが、彼女はある種の「病気」だと思う｡美人と言う病｡執着という病｡美しくなろうってのは良いと思うのね、キレイなものが世の中に溢れるのってステキじゃない？でもさ、０．１ｍｍ単位の歪みに唸っているような真剣さは、危ないと思うのよね（あ、歯の噛み合わせの歪みは別よ｡歯はミクロの歪みでもカラダの調子が狂うくらい大切｡）排便もできなくなりそうなわけよ、そういうのって｡
そんな時は、覚悟を決めて満員電車に乗るのよ｡日本を背負っちゃっている、世界の憂いを嘆いちゃっている気な、悩める３０代半ば〜４０代の汚い男たちがたくさんいるじゃん｡疲れた肝臓が作る体臭が充満している中で、「おお〜人間は有機物だった」ことを思い出そう｡クタクタよれよれの男たち−それこそ全身が歪んでいる｡でも、その美人の彼女には、汚い男たちなんてはなから目に映らないのかも知れない｡
２００３年１１月５日
ミヨコ
Some Beautiful Woman's Cross
Kay,
What's up? Since you have been busy, I'm gonna bitch about something alone for this week & next week. As you know, our "Bitch About The worldﾓ is gonna be over soon. I wonder if you have bitched about the world enough. Are you sick because you bitch about the world too much? Or you can't stop bitching about the world everyday?
"To bitch about somethingﾓ is someone complains about someone or something in a pretty nasty way. Most of people wanna receive some praise from others. They want others to think about them as nice, great people. They wanna be loved as well. However, I have stuck to bitch about a lot of things being stone sober. That's brave in a way. Bitching about something is not productive. Not moralistic. If I'm unlucky, I will be sick with my own poison. But I survive. This is the core of bitch, the bitch!
I have learned that I'm actually more tough person that I expected before writing for "Bitch About The World.ﾓ I have been okay no matter how others think of me or dislike me, even worse some friends left me. I realized - "it's okay. That's who I am. I don't care. I let others go.ﾓ Such a great self-esteem I have.
As far as I remember, I have bad-mouthed some Oyajis at a company I worked before, President Bush, President Koizumi, Ishihara Tokyo governor, and Jinsei-Tsuji picking their real names. Surprisingly, I heard that some people thought that they were bad-mouthed by me. That's a sickness of self- consciousness. I tell you, most of others don't think about you as a way you think. Don't worry.
There are millions of people who care about others' eyes and comments too much. I don't mean to say they are sick of their strong ego but I'm so surprised. Last week, I took a walk with my classmate from my Yoga class after our class. I think, she has turned 40 or something this year but she looks pretty young and beautiful. She's small but keeps her back straight. She's good-looking. She slightly wore a lipstick and wore her deep green sweater fit in the autumn sky. I was looking at her because she was adorable. Guess what, she said afterwards? She said, "My face is distorted lately. Do you notice that? I think I have some problem with my chin.ﾓ I wondered if her face was really distorted, how could I excuse for my face? I lost my words because I had no idea why this beautiful woman asked me such a thing. She has been so beautiful so she might care about something invisible to me, right?
This beautiful woman didn't seem to need some comforting words from me who has a distorted face. She just wanna claim- "My face is distorted. Understand the fact that my face is distorted that really bothers me, oh!ﾓ I think her claim is different from the action of bitching. And I have recently seen many women who are in their middle of 30's and 40's like her. They are unsatisfied with their appearance and character. I don't know why. They look actually okay even more they are beautiful. If they suffer from their appearances, most of women in this world, of course including me, will get heart attack looking at who they are in the mirror. Anyway, this beautiful woman who is unsatisfied with her distorted face and swollen legs (according to her) doesn't buy any brand cosmetics or doesn't go to a beauty salon treatments. She is not a believer of the capitalism. She just "doesn't like herself.ﾓ
Her problem wasn't only about her appearance. The beautiful woman said, "my job is boringﾓ (I'm sure it's hard to work in Oyajis' world,) "my skin becomes saggy because of my ageﾓ (it's inevitable because we live in gravity,) "I easily get up-tightﾓ (I guess she likes to be that way which inspires her life more exciting.) All I had to do was just to listen to her claims. I was sure that I was pretty nice just listening to her words because I love to see beautiful women.
After the magic by the beautiful woman was broken, I wondered; "that's why many women are looked down.ﾓ It's sad to think that way, but many good-looking women are beautiful like flowers just standing and others can't listen to them seriously. No? If I were a man, my attitudes toward beautiful women would be worse. The beautiful woman was obsessed with strict beauty. She was dead serious. But she wasn't arrogant. She seemed to think herself as really bad one. Well, what is bad? When is good? When she was younger, everything was good? I like her but I tell you, she's pathetic in a scary way. She has caught a disease of her beauty & her obsession. It's great if many people become beautiful because this world will be full of beauty. But strict seriousness to become beautiful, like her case (she seriously cares about some distortion at 0.1 mm level) is dangerous (oh, if some distortion comes from your tooth problems, you gotta be serious. Tooth is very important at the micro level because tooth problems lead to another physical problems.) It's so scary; I won't be able to shit afterwards.
When I listen to some story like a case of the beautiful woman, I intentionally get into a packed and jammed train prepared for my death. There are many men in their 30's to 40's who carry future in Japan and sorrows in the world in their shoulders. They are not beautiful. When I smell some nasty stuff that comes from their weary livers, I remember the fact that we human beings are organic. Weary bunches- they are distorted top-to-toe. But the beautiful woman won't be able to see them by nature. Bravo!
November 5, 2003
Miyoko
|
|
|
